Do you ever find yourself measuring your self-worth through external validation, like praise, approval, or the recognition you get from others?

When everything seems to be going right? When you’re ticking off goals, people are praising you, or you’re meeting all the expectations around you, it feels good, almost like a warm rush of feeling enough.

But what happens when the praise stops? When things slow down, or you don’t feel “productive enough”?

You might feel that sinking sensation in your chest, a tightness in your throat, or a restless urge to look around for someone or something to reassure you that you’re still okay. You might find yourself spiraling into self-doubt, questioning your worth, or wondering if you’re “falling behind.”

That hollow, uneasy feeling is what happens when your self-worth is tied to something outside of you.

When you attach your self-worth to external validation, the approval, praise, or recognition you get from the outside world, you’re essentially outsourcing your sense of value and worthiness.

It means you’re handing over the power to decide whether you’re worthy to your achievements, relationships, appearance, income, or other people’s opinions.

The issue is that all these external sources are constantly shifting. And when they change, as they always do, so does your sense of self.

You end up on a never-ending roller coaster, always chasing the next sign that you’re “good enough,” instead of feeling steady and rooted within.

Common external validations we tend to anchor our self-worth in

Most of us didn’t learn to believe we are enough just as we are. Somewhere along the way, we picked up the idea that our value had to be earned, through success, praise, love, or appearances.

We learn to anchor our self-worth in the outside world because it gives us a sense of safety and belonging….at least for a moment. But this keeps us constantly striving, always wondering if we’re finally ‘good enough’.

Here are some of the most common places we tend to anchor our worth, and what that might look like in your life.

a) When Your Worth Depends on What You Achieve.

Many of us learn to measure our worth by what we achieve.

Our culture praises busyness, success, and results and if you’re a high achiever or a perfectionist, this can feel especially true.

You might find yourself constantly adding to your to-do list, working late, or feeling a sharp guilt when you try to rest. There’s a quiet voice whispering, “I can’t slow down. I need to do more to prove I’m enough.”

Over time, this can lead to anxiety, burnout, and a gnawing sense that no matter how much you do, it’s never quite enough.

It sounds like: “I’m only worthy when I’m achieving, producing, or ticking off goals.”

Research suggests that when we tie our self-worth to achievement, we end up living in a constant cycle of proving ourselves…….rather than truly living.

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b) When You Need Others’ Approval to Feel…OKAY

From a young age, many of us pick up that being liked or praised keeps us safe and connected. Over time, we start to rely on others’ reactions to feel okay about ourselves.

You might catch yourself saying “yes” when you mean “no,” avoiding conflict, or carefully shaping yourself to match what you think others want. There’s a quiet panic that if someone disapproves, it means you’re not good enough.

It sounds like: “If people like me or praise me, then I’m okay.”

Psychologists suggest that people-pleasing often grows from fears of rejection or abandonment, patterns often rooted in early attachment dynamics (Bowlby & Ainsworth) or perfectionistic tendencies shaped by external approval (Hewitt & Flett).

c) When Being Chosen Feels Like Proof of Your Worth

When your sense of worth is tied to being chosen or loved, relationships become a stage where you constantly look for evidence that you matter.

You might ignore your own needs, silence your voice, or stay in situations that don’t truly feel safe or nourishing……all to avoid the ache of rejection.

Losing a relationship can feel like losing yourself entirely.

It sounds like: “If I’m loved or chosen, then I matter.”

This can keep you in cycles of self-abandonment and make it hard to trust that your value isn’t dependent on someone else staying.

d) When How You Look Defines How You Feel About Yourself

From a very young age, most of us are taught what is considered “acceptable” or “beautiful”, how we should look, what we should wear, how our bodies should appear to be worthy of love and belonging.

It’s no wonder you might find yourself obsessing over every detail in the mirror, comparing yourself relentlessly, or letting the number on the scale dictate your mood.

There’s often a fragile relief in looking “good enough,” but it never lasts for long……because bodies change. Weight fluctuates, skin ages, trends shift.

When your worth is tied to appearance, you’re left in a constant state of monitoring and measuring yourself, always wondering if you’re still “enough” today.

It can sound like: “If I look a certain way, then I’m enough.”

Research suggests that tying your self-worth to appearance can lead to deep insecurity, low self-esteem, and a life spent surveilling yourself rather than truly living and accepting who you are.

e) When Your Value is Tied to Success and Status

When your worth is tied to income or status, there’s a constant chase for “more.” More money, more recognition, more outward success.

You might measure your value by the designer bags you carry, the clothes you wear, the car you drive, or having the “right” house in the “right” suburb. You might feel that each new gadget or luxury purchase is a way to prove you’re winning at life…..at least for a moment.

But the bar keeps moving. You might feel unsteady when finances dip, or when others seem to be achieving faster or “having it all.”

The sense of “enough” is always just out of reach, no matter how much you acquire.

It sounds like: “If I earn enough or have certain things, then I have value.”

Even with external success, the internal emptiness often lingers, because real worth can’t be measured in numbers or possessions.

f) When You Only Feel Worthy Inside Your Roles

You might feel your value depends on being a good partner, parent, friend, or leader. You pour your energy into these roles, always showing up, holding everything together, keeping the family running, supporting everyone at work, or being the “reliable one” in your circle.

Your identity can become so wrapped up in these roles that your own needs, desires, and even your sense of self start to disappear into the background.

When these roles shift, when kids grow up and move out, a relationship changes, you retire or change careers. it can leave you feeling unmoored and questioning your entire identity.

It can sound like: “If I’m a good mother, partner, or leader, then I matter.”

This kind of attachment can make it hard to see yourself as worthy beyond what you do for others, or to believe you matter simply because you exist.

g) When Being Needed Becomes Your Identity

When your worth is tied to taking care of others, you might feel most valuable when you’re helping, fixing, or supporting someone else. You might find yourself caring for an elderly parent, constantly checking in on a struggling friend, or feeling like you’re the only one who can hold everything together for a partner or family member.

Saying no can feel impossible, and resting might feel selfish or even dangerous. As though if you step back, everything (or everyone) might fall apart.

Over time, your identity can become so entangled with being “the strong one” that you lose touch with what you actually need and who you are beyond helping.

This can leave you drained, resentful, and deeply disconnected from your own desires and wellbeing.

It can sound like: “If I’m helping or fixing others, then I have value.”

This pattern often grows from early experiences where love and approval were earned through service and self-sacrifice. It can keep you from ever truly experiencing rest, joy, or self-nourishment.

How to begin disconnecting your self-worth from external validation

Now that you’ve had a chance to explore the different ways we might anchor our self-worth in external validation, you might have noticed a few (or maybe many) that feel familiar.

The good news?

You’re not alone, and these patterns can shift.

Here are some gentle ways to begin coming home to yourself and reconnecting with the steady, quiet sense of worth that has always been there within you.

1) Reconnect With Your Inherent Worth

Reconnecting with your inherent worth means coming back to the quiet truth that you are enough…….not because of what you do, achieve, or prove, but simply because you exist.

This isn’t just a nice idea.

It’s a deep remembering, a return to something you may have forgotten along the way.

One place to start is noticing when you reach outside yourself for approval.

Pause. Take a breath. Place your hand on your heart. Softly remind yourself: “I am enough right now, exactly as I am.”

You might also try writing small affirmations and placing them where you’ll see them often, on your mirror, your fridge, your phone wallpaper. Research suggests this repetition helps create new neural pathways.

The renowned hypnotherapist Marisa Peer often encourages clients to write “I am enough” on sticky notes all around their space. Each time you see it, it quietly reminds your mind of a truth it may not yet believe, but deeply wants to.

Woman sticking a pink post-it note that says I am enough on her mirror

2) Untangle the External Hooks

We all carry hidden “if-then” beliefs: “If I succeed, then I’m worthy.” or “If they love me, then I matter.”

These beliefs can feel like invisible threads pulling you away from yourself. Untangling them starts with awareness.

You might begin by journaling on questions like:

Who taught me this?
Whose approval am I still seeking?
What would life feel like if I let this belief go?

This isn’t about blaming anyone, it’s about gently seeing where you’ve been giving your power away so you can choose something different.

3) Build Inner Trust and Self-acceptance

Inner trust is about choosing your voice, your needs, your truth, even when it’s uncomfortable.

What does this actually mean? It might look like saying no to something that drains you, setting a boundary even if someone might be disappointed, or pausing to check in with yourself before automatically saying yes.

It’s noticing when you want to seek reassurance or permission from others and instead asking yourself: “What do I know to be true for me right now?”

Self-acceptance means holding space for all parts of you, even the messy, uncertain, tired, or afraid parts. It’s understanding that you are human and will never be perfect. There will be days when you feel unmotivated, when you can’t push yourself any further, or when you simply need to rest. And that’s okay.

It’s not about giving up on growth or staying stuck, it’s about ending the war within yourself and learning to give yourself grace.

You might start by making one small, self-led decision each day. Or practice speaking to yourself the way you would comfort a dear friend…..gently, kindly, and without harsh judgment.

Changing your inner talk from self-criticism to self-compassion can be one of the most powerful shifts. You move from being your harshest critic to becoming a supportive inner coach and steady companion.

Over time, these small choices build a foundation of trust within you, a quiet knowing that you have your own back, no matter what.

From Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion: Practical Steps to Transform Negative Thinking

Choosing Yourself Over Pleasing Others

Self-abandonment is the habit of turning away from your own needs, feelings, and desires in order to keep the peace, avoid conflict, or gain approval.

It can look like saying yes when every part of you wants to say no, staying silent when something truly matters to you, or shrinking yourself to avoid rocking the boat.

Underneath, there’s often a fear: “If I really show up as myself, I won’t be loved, I’ll disappoint someone, or I’ll be left behind.”

Reclaiming this part of yourself starts with noticing those small moments when you leave yourself behind. The quiet moments when you override your truth and instead of pushing it away, pausing and asking: “What do I actually need right now?”

Then, gently practicing tiny acts of self-loyalty: saying no without over-explaining, letting yourself rest without guilt, or voicing your opinion even if it feels shaky at first.

Each time you choose yourself, you reinforce the message that your needs, feelings, and voice matter.

Over time, these small choices add up, weaving a deeper sense of inner safety and belonging….. not from others, but from you.

Each act of choosing yourself, no matter how small, is a thread woven back into your own center.

Coming home to your self-worth isn’t about perfection or getting it “right.”

It’s about learning to turn inward instead of always reaching outward, to hold yourself kindly when you feel shaky, and to remember that you are enough……..always.

Ready to go deeper?

If this is something that feels close to your heart and you’re ready to explore it more deeply, I’ve created a gentle journaling guide with reflective questions to help you understand where you’ve been attaching your worth and how to start coming home to yourself.